Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids

In this episode, we’re diving into a topic that every parent can relate to—helping our kids manage their big emotions and build emotional resilience. It’s not always easy, but it’s so important! 

We’ll share practical tips on teaching kids to identify their feelings, model emotional resilience ourselves, and use books and daily routines to make learning fun. Plus, Melanie and I discuss the impact of screen time, gratitude, and other key areas that can influence a child's emotional well-being. Don’t miss this encouraging conversation filled with real-life examples and helpful insights you can start using today!

Helpful Links from this Episode:

• ABCJesusLovesMe Preschool Trainings
• ABCJesusLovesMe Preschool Curriculum
• Ways to Introduce the Vocabulary of Emotions
• Quality Emotions Teaching Books
• How to Teach Your Child about Sin
• Speak Truth into Your Children
• Don't Do for a Child What They Can Do for Themselves 
• My Stance on Electronics
• How to Teach Scissor Use

Get connected with Parenting to Impress:
Facebook Group: /groups/ABCJLM
Facebook: /heidi.franz.2911
Instagram: /abcjesuslovesme/
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Thanks for listening!

Chapters

• 0:00 Raising Emotionally Resilient Kids
• 11:06 Teaching Emotional Resilience in Children

Transcript

 Heidi Franz Host 00:00

I have a question. Are you raising emotionally resilient kids, kids who have the ability to bounce back when they are faced with challenges? This is the topic that we're going to cover today, and I can't wait to get started. 

Welcome back to Parenting to Impress your go-to podcast, to learn practical ways to love God and love others and impress this on the hearts of your children. I am your host, Heidi Franz, and I am joined by my dear friend, Melanie Simpson, two moms who have made a lot of mistakes but have found grace and truth along the way. 

So, to begin, Melanie, I'm going to ask, “Have you raised emotionally resilient kids?”

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 00:47

I think I have. We are walking through a really hard season right now and I have watched them talk about their emotions, be able to identify how they're feeling, share how they're feeling, and they know that this is not where they have to live. They know there is hope for a time when these feelings aren't the overarching emotions that they're having. 

Heidi Franz Host 01:14

They see the challenge and they understand that there is light at the end of this and that they can walk through it. Right out of the chute, “What does it mean to raise emotionally resilient kids?” I talked about the intro for the ability for kids to bounce back. What definition do you think of? 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 01:35

I always think of a person who can experience an emotion, who can name or identify the emotion, who can name or identify the emotion, but then they can also determine a path forward so that they don't become a slave to that emotion. We don't want to be mired in emotions. We are slaves to Christ, not slaves to emotions. 

Heidi Franz Host 01:56

Very good. Here's another definition. The ability to face a challenge and have measurable success on the other side.  To come out of that valley having learned, having grown, having processed through it in a healthy manner.   I think that includes knowing that the Lord was with them when they had the emotion. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 02:20

He was with them when they talked about it, and he is with them as they come out of that emotional state. 

Heidi Franz Host 02:27

That's very good.  So that they can go ahead and come out of the challenge with success. But why else do we need to raise emotionally resilient kids? 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 02:41

You and I both know life is not Skittles and rainbows and uniforms, and we're going to encounter difficult people, difficult circumstances.  When we walk through a specific emotion, there is an opportunity to experience the goodness of God and still be someone who can give a testimony of God's goodness. What I mean by that is, whatever the emotional state is, if you get mired in that for too long, it begins to change how you think, how you feel how you act and more often than not, we get mired down in the negative emotions. 

I don't know anybody who's been stuck in joy for a really long time. We get stuck in the hard bitterness. The sadness becomes depression, fear becomes anxiety, and we know that God did not give us a spirit of any of those things and that he is faithful to walk with us out of that place. Having emotional resilience, ultimately, is a testimony to God's goodness and faithfulness. 

Heidi Franz Host 04:04

Yeah, it means the child isn't stuck, the adult isn't stuck. I co-lead a grief class several years ago after my sister passed away.  One of the things that they talked about is that our emotions need to be like a ping pong ball bouncing. It's when we get stuck in emotions, when things become dangerous, that we're not growing through grief. I think that's what emotionally resilient kids do. They're able to bounce through the emotions in a healthy way, working on each emotion as they go through it, but understanding that each emotion is given by God, that God is with them in every single one of these emotions. 

To review, emotionally resilient kids are those who can identify what emotion is and work through that, with the ability to bounce back, like a spring bounces back after it's pressed under pressure. We talked about why this is important. Now let's talk about how we raise children who are emotionally resilient.   

Number one is to model it. We need to be emotionally resilient adults, not freaking out. We're regulating our emotions, we accept setbacks, we make a plan, and we move forward. What would you add to that? 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 05:41

Not being afraid to express our emotions in front of our kids, but also saying out loud, “Mommy is really sad right now and I'm going to go to my room for a little bit. Just talk to God about this and I'll be okay.” This is obviously for a younger child. Saying, “I'll be back in just a few minutes. Mommy needs a minute.” 

Heidi Franz Host 06:00

Yeah, you're naming the emotion and you're showing a healthy way of dealing with that emotion in front of that young child. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 06:08

Yes, and I love how you pointed out not to overreact, not to over emotionalize, because those big swings and emotions can be really confusing for kids. You are the parent they look to you for safety and security. Absolutely you are the parent, they look to you for safety and security. That does not negate having emotions, but it negates sending them into a panic that mommy is at a really high, high or really low, low, whatever the emotion is.  That can cause a child to feel really insecure. 

Heidi Franz Host 06:41

Absolutely. I read an analogy that I thought was so good. 

Melanie, you and I fly to conferences together a lot for ABCJesusLovesMe Preschool trainings.   When we're flying and there's turbulence… as long as those flight attendants are still serving snacks and the drinks and they're calm, I'm not worried. If they would suddenly remove the snacks and the drinks from the aisle and return to their seats in a hurry, then I would pick up on that anxiety. And kids are the exact same way. When they see us freak out, then they feel they need to freak out. When we are calm, they are going to pick up on that calm. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 07:26

Yes, In the younger years, keep it simple. It reminds me of what you tell the mommas and teachers using the ABCJesusLovesMe Curriculum, “Don't make it harder than it has to be.” 

If a sibling knocks over a child’s blocks.  The child gets angry.  Simply go over and say, “It looks like you're feeling pretty angry right now. What can we do to not stop being angry? Let's take a few deep breaths, right, and let's talk about whether we should rebuild the tower together? Should we go tell your brother that knocking over those blocks really made you angry?” Just saying, “Man, it seems like you're really frustrated right now. This toy is not working for you, is it? Can I help you with this, or do you want to keep trying it on your own?”

Heidi Franz Host 08:11

I love that. So, you're naming the emotion. You are asking the child whether you would like assistance or would you just like encouragement is basically what you're doing. While you were talking about the child's toy getting knocked over, I was thinking about when I am cooking, and I spill a bunch of flour or I drop a pan that has the biscuits in it.  How I respond?  That is a demonstration for how my kids are going to respond when the tower falls over, when the test grade is not what they thought it was going to be. But they're watching us. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 08:54

And that's why, in the preschool age, it's so important to start introducing that vocabulary of emotions - angry, sad, frustrated, happy, confused - all sorts of emotions. Just beginning to lay that foundation of these are the words that we can use to talk about how I feel, but also saying, “It's okay sometimes if you're not sure how you feel. We can just sit together.”

Heidi Franz Host 09:19

There are a plethora of emotion books on the ABC Jesus Loves Me website. I will include a link in the show notes for you to look at those. But books that give facial expressions, the pragmatics of the different emotions, give examples of them. You can read these books with your child to help them understand what these emotions are. And then, as you're watching a movie, as you're listening to a book on tape, as you are reading a book, identify these emotions, make those connections from the emotion books to other situations so they see the correlation between them. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 10:05

Yeah, that also reassures the child that you, the parent, are a safe place to feel things. We have to be okay with our children being emotional people. 

Heidi Franz Host 10:19

I want to add this as well I had a child come to me and express an emotion that was real. But, the reason was wrong. He was placing blame on me instead of placing blame on himself. So it is okay for you, as the parent, to say, “I understand that you are feeling angry right now, but your anger is not at the right place.”  That's where we get back to the importance of teaching our children about sin. A sin is a sin.  As a parent, we need to speak that truth into our children. Identify, validate their emotions, but don't validate the lie. 

Okay, first we model it. Number two problem solving. Melanie, let's break this into our preschool, early elementary age, preteens and teens. How do you teach little kids to problem solve? 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 11:20

Once you've identified the emotion, once you've talked about it, name the right target. It can be simple to ask if they want help. What can we do to move forward? Can we rebuild this thing? Can we go talk to the person? Can we take a walk? Sometimes, just a change of scenery is vastly helpful. 

Heidi Franz Host 11:41

So what I'm hearing you say is, as a preschooler, we're giving them options and when a child refuses to do an option, then that becomes a discipline issue. But as long as that child's heart is open to suggestions and is willing to do those suggestions, we roll through those. But also add, for problem solving with the younger kiddos don't do for the child what they can do for themselves. We have an entire podcast episode on this topic. Again, I will share this in the show notes. 

Let your child make mistakes. Let their block creation fall over because they didn't have a good enough foundation. Let them stir the cookie mix and let the flour fly out of the bowl a little bit, because those mistakes are how they learn to stir more gently, how they learn to put a better foundation under their blocks. We need to let our kiddos do for themselves what they can. They need to carry their backpacks, they need to make their lunches when it's age appropriate, because when we do things for them, we are telling them you can't do it yourself. Which all goes back to we are saying to our children when your emotions get out of whack, you can't handle this, you need somebody else. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 13:06

Then, as you move into those elementary years, you begin passing the baton. Depending on the child, you can even offer them space. “Do you just want to go into your room for a little bit and think about what you're feeling and then come on out and talk to me?”

Heidi Franz Host 13:21

“I'm going to give you five minutes. You can go into your room.  Then when the timer comes off let's talk about this.” I would not let kids go for an extended amount of time because they start perseverating and we want them to work through the emotion, not be stuck in the emotion. It’s been really helpful to set a timer and then explain that we will talk about this in so many minutes. 

Okay, with teens with problem solving.  One of the things that I am doing that I didn't even realize why I was doing it. When my kids asked to do something, I start asking questions. So let's say the child walks in and says “Hey, mom, can I use your cell phone?” I would say, “Why do you want to use my cell phone?” And then they give me an answer. Then I would say, “How long are you going to use my cell phone?” They would give me an answer.  “What are you going to do when you're done with my cell phone?” And the reason for these questions isn't just me being nosy and me trying to halt whatever they want to do. The reason for those questions is because I want their brains to start asking these types of questions. 

Another example your teen comes in and wants to go out with some friends. Ask, “Where are you going? What are you doing? When will you be back? What will you do _____ appens?” Because I want my teens to be asking themselves those questions when I'm not there. Problem solving. 

Let's discuss another one. “How about growth mindset set?”

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 15:09

It’s such a pop culture term right now.  Everybody's got books and podcasts, but it's biblical. 

When you look at Philippians 4:6-7, it tells us to “not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God, and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your heart and your mind in Christ Jesus.” Training our children to take our emotions to the Lord, to tell Him about what we're feeling.  Then to ask His help to think about this, to figure this out, how to move forward. We are genuinely training our brains to not be stuck in that place and to believe who God says we are, which is a new creation in Christ. It is so important, I think, that our kids see us moving forward. That's the growth mindset. Every time I experience an emotion, it's an opportunity to rewire my brain, or to wire my brain in such a way that I don't become a victim of my emotions. 

Heidi Franz Host 16:27

Yes, yes that we are moving forward. We're stretching ourselves. We're stretching our children. We're not just making it easy to get by.

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 16:38

How many times has science gone back and affirmed what God says.  This idea of pressing on running the good race.  There is actually a layer in our brains that is quite small, but when we do things we don't want to do, it grows. So for the exerciser who doesn't want to add that weight, for the runner who doesn't want to add the mileage, when you do it even though you don't want to, this part of the brain gets bigger. 

And it's the same thing with emotion.  Thinking like a teenager who's going through a breakup or something. It is culturally approved to get a thing of Ben and Jerry's icecream, sit in your room wearing your pajamas for the weekend, and cry all day rereading the love letters. But that is not what God wants us to do. Now, don't get me wrong. You can have a pity party. You can have a moment, but you don't want to do is give Satan a foothold by being mired down those emotions, because that's when we start to believe the lies that Satan is casting at us. 

Heidi Franz Host 17:45

Yes, you just hit it on the head there, Melanie. When you're sitting and you're not bouncing back, you're giving Satan a foothold for lies. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host

2 Corinthians 10:5 says, “We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God and take every thought captive to obey Christ.” 

Heidi Franz Host 18:09

It's one of my verses that I keep coming back to. I was lying in bed last night thinking about all the things.  I start planning and thinking about all the options and God said, “But what about praying about it?” And I started praying.  Then I'd start thinking again…nope, nope, back to prayer. Taking those thoughts captive is part of that growth mindset. It's not getting stuck. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 18:38

And you are literally building new neural pathways. It is a biological thing that you're doing.  That's part of emotional resilience too, because you're training yourself to choose a different way. 

Heidi Franz Host 18:50

Okay, I've got two more, Melanie, that I want to hit on. First is emotional management. When we teach our children to manage their emotions, we teach them emotional resilience. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 19:05

Sometimes a good night's sleep, good plate of food.  Sometimes teaching emotional management is I hate to use the word forcing, but nudging in a very strong manner their next course of action. 

Heidi Franz Host 19:18

I have told my children multiple times, “I want you to go into your room and write down 10 things you're thankful for, because they are stuck in the negative emotion.” And how many times does the Bible tell us to give praise, give thanks? 

I have a family that is very, very dear to me. I've watched this mama sit down with her kiddos and help them breathe when they're upset. She has trained them breathe in through their noses, breathe out.  She counts three seconds with them, having them let that air out when they get upset. The key is that she didn't start training this when the kids were upset. She trained them when they were calm so then they could implement what they were upset. The same things are good for us. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 20:21

What are the vitals we need to be checking? Are we getting good sleep? Are we eating food that's nourishing our bodies? Are we getting adequate hydration? What does our prayer life look like? What does our time in scripture look like? Just asking your kids to do a similar diagnostic. Tell me where you are in these areas. 

Heidi Franz Host 20:43

And for a parent to take inventory of their child.  How much time is this child spending on video games on their computer, watching movies? What are they watching? What are they playing? We've got to take inventory to help our kiddos to recognize this is not healthy. You know my stance on electronics especially with the young ones. They don't need it. Study after study shows the negative effects on their brains. We need to get these kids playing. We need to get them outside in the sunshine, even in the rain. There is nothing like splashing in mud puddles. Yes, it makes a mess, but that's what old clothes are for. 

The one thing that I would add to emotional management is the saying, “I understand that you feel ___, but we are not ruled by our emotions.” Yes, you are angry, but you are not ruled by your anger. What that tells the child is you may be angry, but you may not hit. You may be angry, but you may not slam the door. Helping the child understand that there are healthy ways to express that anger. There are unhealthy ways. I would say, “You are angry, you may not hit, but you may go outside and jump on the trampoline.”  “You are angry. You may not slam the door, but you may go outside and shoot baskets.” For every negative, we always want to give a positive option. Here's my last one, Melanie.  Praise the effort, not just the outcome or ability. How does that help raise emotionally resilient kids? 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 22:34

Well, it's teaching them that the process is more important than the outcome. 

Heidi Franz Host 22:41

For preschoolers, this begins even in an art project, even in building a Lego, where we praise their efforts, not their outcome. In the ABCJesusLovesMe Preschool Curriculum, I call it process art, because we're focusing on the process, not the end result. Saying to a child, “I love how you're using your imagination. You are working so hard on this. I can tell that scissor use is really hard for you and you're wanting to pull your elbow out, but instead I see how hard you are working to keep that elbow in. I love how your spirit is teachable you are. Letting me help you with things that you are doing incorrectly.” We praise the attitude; we praise the effort. We don't just praise the fastest runner, the biggest tower, we praise everything up to that point. What does that look like for teens?

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 23:43

I think giving teens permission to talk to their friends during their teen years.  Peer relationships have become really important.  Or youth pastor reminding them that there are people outside of the home that you trust, they trust and you're okay with them having conversations with them. 

Heidi Franz Host 24:03

We've talked in other podcasts where I have sat down with my child and said, “Name five people you could talk to about this issue,” because I want them to know, yes, I am always here, but I want them to see the wise, Godly people around them so that when issues come up. They already know these are their people; this is who I can talk to. 

This is a big topic, and this is one that we've hit little pieces in other podcasts and I'm sure we will continue to do that.  But I hope this has been helpful, hearing the importance of this topic, not just to raise healthy people, but also to raise Godly people. I encourage our listeners to reach out if you have questions. We would love to dive into this deeper, and it's not that we have the answers. It's that we've made a lot of mistakes, as we say in the intro.  We're learning from them, and we will continue to learn as we parent. So, Melanie, let's close in prayer. 

Melanie Simpson Co-Host 25:10

Father, God, we just thank you for this conversation, for the opportunity to talk about what it looks like to raise emotionally resilient children, because, God, we know that while our emotions are from you, we are made in the triune image. We don't want those emotions to cause us to sin. Holy Spirit, would you work within us and help us learn, through our parenting and our friendships and Godly counsel, how to be better stewards of our emotions so that, Lord, in all of it, we might be a testimony to your faithfulness and your goodness, your mercy and grace in us. We love you, God, and we just pray over the folks that are listening that they would just take the first step in beginning to talk about emotions with their kids. God, we love you and we praise you, and you get the glory, amen, amen. 

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